6 of 30

What is the hardest thing you have ever had to experience.
The first thing that comes to mind is when Maggie was hit by a car and passed away, nearly six month later and I still have moments when I struggle and miss her a lot.  You can read more about that experience here.

The next thing that comes to mind is Brandon's delivery.  Brandon was due to arrive on the 7th of September.  Well the 7th, 8th, 9th and the 10th past with out any sign of arrival.  So my doctor told me he would have to induce me on the 13th.  The morning of the 13th we went in to be induced.  By 2:30 that day nothing had happened so they gave me Petocin, still nothing.  At midnight I was dilated to a 3 and could not handle the pain anymore so they gave me an epidural and we continued to wait and wait and wait.  The next day around 10:30 I was finally dilated to a 10 and we began to push.  Three hours later and we had still made no progress.  So I was told I would need to have a C-Section.  I can't describe how disappointed I was.  I know there is nothing wrong with C-Sections, but I still felt like less of a women because I had to have one.  I cried and cried when they told me.  By the time I was in surgery and Jared and I were prepared for surgery I was starting to go into shock.  I was SO cold and the several heated blankets that they were putting on me did nothing to help.  Jared was wonderful to comfort me through everything, until they pulled Brandon from me.  Jared was so taken by Brandon and the whole procedure that he became completely riveted to everything that was going on.  I don't blame him one bit, in fact I love that he was so excited to be a dad.  But I felt so lonely at that time.  I could hear Brandon and everyone else talking about him, but I couldn't see him or touch him like I had hoped to.  The nurse took Brandon to run the tests and held him up for me from across the room, but by this time I was shaking so violently, and so uncomfortable, and emotionally drained that all I could do was give a week giggle and smile.  I was so grateful for the anesthesiologist who stood by me, held my hand, and then put me to sleep for the remainder of  the surgery.  When I finally woke up, Brandon had already been bathed and dressed (with no picture taken).  I on the other hand was still shaking form the cold.  They put me in whats called a "bear hug", a large plastic blankets with pockets that fill up wit hot air, they also covered me with more warm blankets.  I did not like feeling out of control of my body, emotions, and mind.  I do remember having one lucid thought to tell my mom and Jared where my socks were and to put them on my feet.  According to Jared and my mom my skin was grey and my lips were blue and Jared felt a lot of concern over whether or not I would pull through.  I finally came through.  I don't remember the first time I held Brandon, but I do remember the first time I got to nurse him.  Gratefully he took to nursing quickly and I was finally able to feel like a mother.  Despite all the trauma of Brandon's delivery I was so relieved and grateful to have him and to be a mother and have both of us healthy, that I didn't feel too upset about the delivery, but after leaving the hospital and writing in my journal I realized just how emotionally challenging it was for me.  I am surprised that even now nearly five years later I still struggle and cried when I think about it.  And each time I have to have another baby through C-Section I feel little twinge of regret and failure, I know I shouldn't, but I do.

Really though I count my blessings that the few challenges I have had to face are so small in comparison to others challenges.